purposeful parenting

Keeping Summer Bliss into Fall Shift

Here is an article I wrote for Swan Law. Enjoy it and take a moment to check out the 9 Week Parenting Program with the sign-up ending tomorrow. First call is tomorrow, Sept 16th 2016 at 12.15 MST. Enjoy the article published by Swan Law. If you are planning your will, they are the people to hire on! They are full of compassion and reality in a process that is challenging and emotional. 

Written By: Wiley Wakeman

Val·ue valyo͞o/: A person’s principles of standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.

It is back to school time and you may start to have mixed feelings. It’s great to get back into a routine, go to bed early and pull out the fall clothes. On the other hand, there may be a sadness in saying goodbye to unrestricted time with your kids, no homework to worry about, more time in the mornings and longer evenings together to enjoy the outdoor time.

How can these feelings be brought into the upcoming fall shift? First, become aware about what it is you enjoy and value, really. Is it time with your child? Is it being outside with them? Is it not having pressures of school, time constraints and homework? Identify what it is. Then, sit for a moment and decide what feeling comes up when this is happening. Freedom? Connection? Love? Contentedness? Happiness? Adventure? Fun? That is the value you want to focus on! That value is what you want to bring into your fall shift.

So, how do we integrate the value into the start of school?  We are so familiar with our routines and busy schedules. Crisp air falls upon us and we start to dig out the school supplies and prepare for early mornings. We need to remember that it is not just summertime that is causing this feeling. It is possible to feel the feeling in other times of the year, it just takes learning what allows you to feel it.

Here is an example.  I love feeling connection with my daughter when it is just us and no distractions. For that reason, I limit the extra curricular activities on school nights so we can have time together. Then, I can harness my value of connection during the school year. We can spend this time learning and growing together.  It is also important to learn what your child values. When you know this, you can tie the two together beautifully. For example, a mom, like myself, may want to feel connection with their child while the child is all about adventure. Even if mom is not very adventurous, she can use this opportunity to do some adventurous activities with her child and allow them time to connect in a space where the child’s values are being met.  A child can share their passion and may even spark a surprising interest in a new sport or hobby for their parent.

Sometimes just 20 minutes of the child’s valued activity being respected and practiced can have huge effects on your child and on the flow of stepping into the new school year.   By allowing my daughter to choose some of the activities that we do, she feels empowered, important and respected.   Her needs are met and she is growing while my needs of connection are also achieved. It seems to have a lasting effect on the strength of our relationship. Please remember, we all have different values. Yours may be hearing about soccer practice at dinnertime or learning how gymnastics was while washing dishes together. The key is to find out what is important to you and your family. Then nurture and make time for what you value. It makes sense that what works for one family, most certainly won’t work for yours, since we all value different standards of what is important. This is to be respected.  Start the conversation and find out what works for you.  

Bonus Bit:  My 8 year old daughter and I have started to list weekly “house agreements” on a big white board. Each of us has a section and 5 rows to fill with things we are working on both behavioral and active chores. Some examples are watering plants, no interrupting, no phone time after 5 pm for mom, and change way of speaking to mom. We do a weekly rating system of the agreements that works for us. If the agreement is held up 100%, we replace it with a new agreement.  These “house agreements” have given us both boundaries and homework for a better relationship.

Swan Law has incredible activities and resources to help you along in the process of connecting to your values, beliefs and what is important. If you are interested in learning more from the author, Wiley Wakeman, you can visit www.genuineparenting.com.  

Wiley Wakeman is a Certified Professional Coach focused on Genuine Parenting. She has an extensive background working with Colorado Outward Bound School for the last 17 years. She has an 8 year old daughter and is a single parents. Wiley offers private coaching over the phone, workshops and a Mexico Retreat May 4th- 8th.  Not to miss is a 9 Week Parenting Program and private support group starting Sept.16th, 2016 for an affordable pilot pricing, all online and on calls so you can be anywhere in the world!  Click here for details: http://www.genuineparenting.com/programs/

Wiley also offers free 45 minute strategy sessions so be in touch with her for more information.


Just click the link below to read the full article:

Wiley Wakeman published on Purposeful vs Positive Parenting in kars4kids article

Purposeful Parenting: More Accountability

“They may place their child in a time-out for hitting someone, but require a simple explanation of how the action impacts other people before allowing the child out of timeout. Instead of redirection, there is more accountability for negative actions, and more reflection on the impact that bad decisions can have on other people, along with what can be done differently the next time.

“The premise of purposeful parenting is that if you know where you’re going, it’s easier to make good decisions about how to get there, both in parenting and in child development,” says Dr. Clabough, who blogs atpsychologytoday.com/blog/neuroparent.

Wiley Wakeman, a life coach and blogger at Genuine Parenting, offered up a concrete example of the difference between purposeful parenting and positive parenting. “My 8-year-olddaughter and I set house agreements together a few weeks ago. I realized that I couldn’t implement boundaries because she had no clear definition of what the boundaries are.

“She has been calling out for clear boundaries by being loud, upset, banging doors, and testing limits. In forming the agreements, I thought this was my opportunity to use positive parenting, which I did to an extent. Then, I learned the most dramatic results of all were from purposeful parenting. That from knowing her expectations and mine together, I could then take action on how I would be with her, how much time we’d spend together, what games we’d play and the support I could offer her through my actions.

Purposeful Parenting: A Way of Being

“Positive parenting is a piece of the pie that is purposeful parenting. Positive parenting is all the things you can do such as positive reinforcement, make time for attention, distracting the child to do something different or greeting the situation with laughter. Positive parenting is a way to take action, where purposefully parenting is a way of being,” says Wakeman.

“I sit thinking how our day went today.  She was able to spend time with her cousin, she read, she went to the library which is the norm for her. When we were at home I bustled around cleaning the house and chatting with her as she sat on a bouncy ball. Before I knew it, time had danced by. Weeks before this moment could have turned into her breaking down crying; moving to her room; asking to watch a TV show; or getting mad at me in her search for boundaries or attention.

“This time I stopped my bustling and gave her my 100% attention, we connected, and it only took some 15 minutes of my time,” said Wakeman.

“We have been working, actively, on keeping things more peaceful, better understood, and real at home. In past months, friends and family have told me she needs more discipline, that she shouldn’t act as she does, that she should be placed in time outs or I should focus on positive parenting. I decided to sink into being genuine about my parenting, which turned out to be the path of purposefully parenting.

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“I believe a key component of executing purposeful parenting is being in tune with what you value and believe in. From there you can make more space to be present with your child as you are purposefully parenting. It’s about being able to engage with them in a way that you didn’t in the past. You get on their level and get interested in whatever they are doing at the time, while bringing your true self to the table.

“No cell phones, no talking with friends, no interruptions and instead you are fully there whether  it is for 5 minutes or 5 hours,” says Wakeman, who explains that it is unrealistic to take all these things out of your life, but rather, parents should “just take the moment to form your connection with your child and then you will have time to tap into all that other stuff when you have shown as much interest in your child as you have in all these other things. ”

Wakeman is seeing results with purposeful parenting. There’s no room for “nonsense, because you let them know the rules and you stick to them. There is a lot of respect, compassion, understanding, attention, fun, and love in this. The results have been amazing, it is as though it is the magic formula for our particular situation.

“Within weeks,” says Wakeman, “my daughter’s behavior has shifted, as has mine. I find it fascinating, wonderful and beautiful.

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“The process of purposeful parenting can simply begin with acknowledging yourself and your child and where your relationship stands. What do you need and what do they need? What do you really value and believe, what does your child value and believe? How can you show respect for their interests? How can you be engaged in their interests? How can you come up with clear family boundaries, agreements, and rules?  How will the family be held accountable for these?

“After doing this with my child she felt heard, acknowledged, appreciated and therefore has shifted her behavior in line with that which is asked of her. And she is shining and incredible, with noticeably growing compassion,” says Wakeman.

That’s all very well and good during the school year, when kids spend most of their days at school. But in the summer, kids are home free. They have nothing but time on their hands.

That can pose a challenge to parents who more than anything, want to see their children active and productive. It can be difficult to find ways to keep children positively occupied all day, every day, throughout the long summer vacation. That’s where purposeful parenting can really make a difference, by helping parents and children direct their time for useful purposes, for instance, building and strengthening the parent/child relationship.

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